I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
