If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
