Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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