So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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