Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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