In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
