Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize