he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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