So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
