I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I want to fling myself into the sun
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
