my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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