Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
