he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
