It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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