so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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