I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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