I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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