so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
