i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize