Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
