there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
