I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
