My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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