Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
