come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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