I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
