If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
