matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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