party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize