My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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