If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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