Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
