Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
