i think i have two assholes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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