I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
