I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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