I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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