I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
how does that bad decision feel?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
