i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
