I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
