I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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