Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
