how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
