He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
