just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
