omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
