His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
