I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
