I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
