dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
