11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
