Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
