I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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