Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
