who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
