I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
