I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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