I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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