i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
