Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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