I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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