woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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